Archive for August, 2010

I had a shocking realization at about 12:05 this morning.

It’s what would have been the Swede and my four year anniversary today. One year ago, I was presenting him with a memory box I made… I painted it yellow, painted a poem around the outside that had long reminded me of us…. carefully chose a beautiful print of heavy stock paper for the inside…. centered the picture of us in Milan sharing an unforgettible meal (the cheese was so good I saved the rind and had it in my coat pocket for at least a year…). I chose the colors to match the scheme we had talked about having in the apartment we were trying desperately to find. The plan was to slowly fill the memory box with corks of really good wines we try, and to write the date and occasion on the cork… kinda a scrapbook of wine. Over the next month… over all of September… my grasp on happiness and our relationship slipped from my fingers. I had been clinging to it for so long, and somehow the pull of my terrible job and facing another month living with his parents sucked the floor out from under us, and my grip was not enough. In one month I will be one year apart from the most difficult time in my entire life. Where I thought my soul had died the true death. Where the loss of my love exploded synapses in my brain so that I could hardly carry my own body weight to walk or even get out of bed. I’d taken my carefully planned future (all planned being an “us,” what “we” were going to do with “our” life) and I’d set it ablaze. After it was charred beyond repair I sat back and realized that flame had been fed with all of my oxygen, and now I couldn’t breathe… just choking on the emitted black smog from my charcoaled fairytale happily ever after.

I still carry him around. He’s a 200 pound weight shackled to my ankle. I wonder if I’ll ever find the key. Is it in me? Is this a life sentence? Somehow I know that if I set full throttle warp speed towards my dreams that the chain will at the very least slacken to the point it wont drag…

On a lighter note, our office is having an Ice Cream Social today.


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this guy—->

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And this is what I do my best to make time for at work….

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Finally, time for blog posting.

So this weekend was pretty stellar. Went to an electric, fancy-free dance party Fri. night with Becca, J-face, Dom, and Grace… was a make out slut with Brett from California (just in town for the weekend). Cabbed home alone like a good girl, though 🙂 The next day Becca, Leah, and I got silly then went to Columbia Heights day which BLEW because they ADVERTISED A PETTING ZOO WITH A CAMEL. THERE WAS NO CAMEL.

Fail. Saved the day, though, by dying our hair (Becca and I, Leah’s is already fuckin’ rockin’ in bright blue). I’m now ready for fall with my darker auburn locks. This hair makes me feel sultry and purposeful. It’s like taking the blonde hues out of my hair made me drop my carefree summer whimsy, and now I’m ready to get shit done. Even if I can’t afford to do anything for the next week and a half because I’ve been makin’ it rain all over DC the past few days.

Yesterday, I was yearning over the Swede. I found a pair of his underwear under my bed… sigh. Then when I was shopping with Becca, there were no less than 8 Swedes in the store yammering in Swedish. I was havin’ a ‘Nam flashback of living in Sweden… then a song came on that reminded me of him. Then last night we watched True Blood and Alexander Skarsgard always reminds me of him. My heart ached the entire day. I’m trying desperately to shake the feeling that I’ve lost the love of my life and he’s going to haunt me until the day I die.

I was disappointed in this ep of True Blood. There were entire scenes where NOTHING HAPPENED. Who gives a fuck about the new quarterback? WHERE IS HOT-ASS ALCIDE? STOP HIDING HIM FROM US.

Scott Pilgrim was pleasant and entertaining (saw it Sunday).  Otherwise… yea not shit goin’ on.

 Song: “Cherry Cola” by Eagles of Death Metal

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