“Half of me, I feel like a jackhammer, I love to holler and stomp my feet and throw rocks. But there’s another side of me that’s like an old man in the corner that’s had too much wine. I’m probably too sentimental for my own good sometimes.” -Tom Waits (stolen from Leah’s blog)

Things in my life….

MY SISTER’S BIRTHDAY WOOOOOO!!!!!!

I hope she is having the BEST DAY EVERRRR.

Other news, hung out with boy in question last night. Maybe we can code name him BIQ. So Biq and I had a convo wherein he told me I was not allowed to eyefuck anyone else. So let’s look at the current guidelines of our situation:

*No hooking up with other people

*No kissing other people

*No eyefucking other people

*Spending several nights a week together

*I left my boots at his house this morning

*We’re buying tickets for things more than a month away

*We’ve discussed day trips, and will be going to IKEA together soon

*We have inside jokes

*We’ve showered together

…Do I have a boyfriend? Methinks yes. I basically have a boyfriend but the door to the relationship cage isn’t locked in case I want to get out. The DTR turns that key, and I’m not going to lie, we almost turned it last night. But… I like him. I like him more the more I hang out with him. He kinda dazzles me in some ways, and he’s never boring. Hmmmmm.

Happy St. Patty’s yall. I’m still hungover from last night so I’ll be taking it easy. I was so hungover today that I used the word “cunt” freely in a conversation and also told people I would pinch the shit outta them if they didnt put on green. Woops.

So there’s a boy.

Yes it is the boy I was ranting about a week ago, saying I shouldn’t trust him and all that malarkey. I may or may not have accused him of using me as a concubine. However, after my rant that day we had a long talk where we both set out all our concerns [Pause. I’m sorry. I wrote all that and then got busy the rest of the day… will continue tomorrow and hope ya don’t hate me].

What you undoubtedly want is about two paragraphs of facts. I’ve forgotten so many of the facts. I don’t remember what is true and what might have been true. It hasn’t been a story to write about, you see. Nothing much has ever happened.

As for the picture – I hate cameras. They are so much more sure than I am about everything. I am sending you a photograph of a large drawing which I like. I hope it will do.

I can’t say how much I wish this kind of thing weren’t necessary. I feel like a man who has been to a horse race, and who is asked, “What were you doing while the race was on? What were you doing with your hands? How did your face look?” He wouldn’t know, and I don’t know.

Deep breath 1.

Deep breath 2.

I love you guys. I hope your day was really magical. Or at least that you weren’t too sleepy. Happy Fat Tuesday, Imma go get myself a treat, and then after work I’m going to celebrate my beautiful friend Maria’s birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRIEND!

Lastly, I saw this and thought it looked a lot like my body when I’m all naked n’ stuff (winter version, currently in gym mode to switch to summer version).

Jared:  yeah, I must say, the general behavior of college seniors is enough to make one arch an eyebrow
Daphne:  ugh I’m gonna keep getting older and those girls are going to stay the same 

Jared:  yeah, but the good news is that they’re really desperate and sad
I have one of their bras here
maybe some men will find that less-than-challenging, and thus boring
Daphne:  god I hope so
I’m not cut out for life as a spinster
I dont even like cats
and my hair is just plain luscious 

Jared:  that is the gospel truth
Daphne:  No hair nets and moo moos for me no sirrey bob
Jared:  I’m of the opinion increasingly that the odds are stacked against the young ladies of DC, sadly because there are all these cows just slinging milk, nary asking for a bushel of hay in return
Daphne:  I’ve dabbled in cattle. It’s a sad sad pasture. 

Jared:  all the milk-consumer must do is merely line them up, and have nipples thrust at them

Daphne:  However, of late, I have been eating top notch feed and think my milk be the best in the land only to be consumed from the finest goblet to touch but the noblest lips
Jared:  true, there are some consumers willing to pay a premium for organic, fresh-tasting milk 

Daphne:  Ah yes, however this market is quite small
and that shits got a shelf life homeboy
Jared:  but then, you have to wonder about all those “lactose-intolerant” men who really would pass on milk altogether, there are quite a few in the city 

Daphne:  Yes and they often parade about in the garb so that methinks them possibly both worthy and thirsty, but alas, then they bespoke their betrayel 

Jared:  upon closer inspection, that libation they’re quaffing is unmistakably Rice Dream
all the more frustrating since those who peruse the soy and rice milk section tend to be far slimmer and fitter-looking, not to mention stylish
Daphne:  Perhaps I shall go peddle my rich lactation elsewhere, a far off land where the tastes are more refined 

Woe is me who cannot find a lad to appreciate the notes of ginger and wit that so color the bouquet

Sigh. Hard out here for a cow.